post jokes here!

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a local Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez says, "George Bush at dinner with the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with the class almost at mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"

Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein, April 9th 2003!"

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April 9, 2003 - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The fate of Saddam Hussein remains unknown after a U.S. B-1B bomber dropped four 2,000-pound bunker-busting bombs on a building where Hussein was thought to be meeting with his sons and senior aides on April 7. The bombs blew a 60-foot-deep crater in a residential neighborhood that is not under coalition control, refueling speculation about the possible death of Saddam Hussein. British intelligence officials said that they believed Hussein left the targeted building just minutes before it was destroyed, and that he probably survived the attack.

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: Hello
WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: Yes
WOMAN: I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?
MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked
MAN: How much?
WOMAN: $65,000
MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options
WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000
MAN: Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000
WOMAN: OK. I'll see you later! I love you!
MAN: Bye, I love you too

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone knows whose phone this is?”

Scenario berbeza sekiranya CT berkahwin dengan orang lain. Apakah nama anak perempuan mereka nanti?

1) kalau kawin dgn org Jepun, mereka akn namakan anaknya HONDA SITI

2) kalau Kawin dengan orang media, anaknya nanti bersama PUBLI SITI

3) Kalau kawin dengan developer, anaknya nanti bernama SITI SQUARE

4) Kalau dapat anak kembar, dua2 nanti namanya TWIN SITI

5) Kalau kawin dgn professor, anknya nnti dinamakan UNIVER SITI

6) Kalau kawin dgn pelakon filem Cathay Keris tahun 60an, nama anaknya ialah SITI TANJUNG PAHANG

7) Kalau kawin dengan Menteri Pelancongan, nama anaknya nnt ialah SITI SITI MALAYSIA

9) Kalau kawin dengan Tun Mahathir, anaknya nanti bernama SITI HASMAH BARU

10) Kalau kawin dgn org TNB, anaknya nanti bernama ELEKTRIK SITI

When Ms Woo was on her way to her class, 2E5, she noticed the intolerable noise they have made. Thus, she decided to confront those who were misbehaving.

Ms Woo: How many times do I need to tell you, DON'T BE SO NOISY especially when the teacher's not in class?? Who was the one who make so much noise?! You better stand up before everyone gets it.

Felix: "Will the Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up, Please Stand Up, Please Stand Up..." (Eminem)

Ms Woo: You again!! Can you DON'T PLAY A FOOL??

Felix: "Can't believe I'm the Fool again~" (Westlife)

Ms Woo: Do you want me to beat you??

Class: "Hit me Baby One More Time!" (Britney)

Ms Woo: What did u say??

Eugene: "WHAT?!" (Stone Cold)

Ms Woo: Are you out of your head??

Kai Ying: "I can't Get you Outta my Head~" (Kylie Minogue)

Ms Woo: Who do you think you are??

Eugene: "I'm a Genie in a Bottle~" (Christina Aguilera)

Ms Woo: DON'T BE RUDE!! How many F9s do you all want??

Class: "1, 2, 345, Everybody in the House, so Come'on let 's Ride.." (Lou Bega)

Ms Woo: Do you all have to do this?? What else you all do?!

Class: "Sometimes I run, Sometimes I hide..." (Britney)

Ms Woo: Do you all think this is a party??

Class: "I'm Coming Up so you Better Get the Party Started!" (Pink)

Ms Woo: I want all of you to go for detention tomorrow morning!!

Class: "Every Morning they're a Hello..." (Sugar Ray)

Ms Woo: No!! I want everyone of you to go for detention EVERYDAY!!

Class: "Everyday I Love You~" (Boyzone)

Ms Woo: Felix, Eugene and Kai Ying!! You 3 come alone and see me after school!!

Eugene: "Show me the Meaning, of Being Lonely" (BSB)

Ms Woo: Okay Eugene!! Now only you have to come and see me personally!! Felix and Kai Ying need not!! It's gonna be only 2 of us!!

Eugene: "Just the Two of Us..." (Will Smith)

Ms Woo: Do you want to SHUTTUP before I bring you to Mr Fauzi??

Class: "You Say it Best, when you Say Nothing At All..." (Ronan Keating)

Ms Woo: I want all of you to promise not to give me anymore trouble!!

Class: "This I Promise You... Woo~ I Promise You..." (*NSYNC)

Ms Woo: Make sure you all DON'T give me trouble again!!

Class: "Oops!! I Did it Again!!" (Britney)

Ms Woo: DON'T BE RUDE AR!!

Kai Ying: "There she Goes... There she Goes Again~" (Sixpence None The Richer)

Ms Woo: I'm leaving now!!

Class: "BYE BYE BYE!!" (*NSYNC)

michael entered a toilet doing his big business. a minute later, another guy come in and get into toilet that next to him. a minute later the guy phone vibrates (silent mode) and he start the conversation

guy : hello, how are you?

michael answered

michael : oh fine

guy : what u doing now?

michael : i'm doing what you do lar

guy : huh!!! what business you doing now?

michael : i'm doing chocolate cake

guy : wah, big business wor, u do it how long already?

michael : just started a minute only

guy : i call you back later, another fella keep answering what i'm talking to you

One day, siew pau and maggi mee had a big fight. Maggi mee beat siew pau up until it had bruises on its pau body.

Siew Pau loose in the fight and went back to tell all the paus family; kaya pau, tau SA pau, curry pau, and etc.

So together?.. all paus went to find maggi mee for revenge.

On the way... they met Spaghetti?... so all pau ran to Spaghetti and BEAT the hell up on Spaghetti that Spaghetti can't say a word,Spaghetti then scream...

"WHAT DID I DO? I don't even know you all"???.

Then the siew pau say??..

"HEH! MAGGI MEE! Don't think I can't recognize you after you do REBONDING!"

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: ’PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS’

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: ‘PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT’ The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: ’BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS’

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: ’NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN’ The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: ’NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00’

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: ‘NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE’. The Bishop was buried the next day.

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Little Johnny: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Little Johnny: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Little Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Little Johnny: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Little Johnny: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Little Johnny: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Little Johnny: "Yup"

Teacher: you blow me, you feel good"

Little Johnny: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"

Little Johnny: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Little Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!”

An e-mail to the wrong wife

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight.

He tried to appeal to the supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife, departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.

First Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the cash register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack. "I'm really going to put it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

The Smoking Power Supply

From an ex-field sales / support survivor:

I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.

Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.

Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this.

Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.

Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.

[After a few minutes of going round and round]

Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.

[Customer does this]

Customer: It is still smoking.

Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.

[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy but NO... he calls back four hours later]

Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer?

Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost..

Hunting Trip

Story - Michigan, USA.

Guy buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig, and gets a hold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice.. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on. Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill...

So, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-Second fuse.

Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving especially things thrown by the owner).

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now...

The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador-Retriever approaches. The Bozo's now are REALLY waving their arms - yelling even louder and generally feeling panicked. Now finally one of the guys decides to think- something that neither had done before this moment, one guy grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog - still standing, became REALLY confused & of course scared.. Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dog finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars - the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice. BOOM! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy... He had yet to make his first car payment.

The athiest
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man and boat. As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" "Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?" The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, "So be it." The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast. Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."

A man visits his doctor."I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls has turned blue." The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn`t have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?"

"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed.

But two weeks after the operation, he came back. "Doc, I don`t know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue too."

Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant.

"Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor.

"I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he did

not want to hear about it. "You really want to die?", asked the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?" "We`ll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."

So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the unfortunate man again returns the doctor`s office. He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue." "What?" "Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"

So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says, "Hmmmm, I think the jeans is loosing colour......"